he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
