sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
