thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
