Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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