i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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