Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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