I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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