Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
