I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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