you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize