I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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