If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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