You don't have asthma, your pregnant
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
