listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
