I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
