I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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