the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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