There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
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