Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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