pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
