My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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