I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
