so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
