life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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