Cold hands, warm shart.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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