My girlfriend figured out who you are.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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