So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
