the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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