My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
