Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
