i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize