Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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