Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Only a mothe r could love this liver
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
