high people should be assigned attendants
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
