FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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