Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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