dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
