Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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