A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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