WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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