This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize