Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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