Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
