Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
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