Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
