i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
