i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
