i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
