last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
