But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Well I just put wine in my tea
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
