I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
My vagina is officially offended.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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