whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
