she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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