For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
