I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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