i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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