My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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