The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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