I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
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