i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
How does it feel to date your dad?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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