Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
