I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
