I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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