our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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