It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
