The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
