There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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