I wish I could teleport
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Randomize
