my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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