still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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